past/present/future

i was the sweetest, most loving, naive little girl.
i thought the world was magical and full of sunshine and roses.
my parents were so loving and sacrificing.
i had a best friend twin sister!
i never wanted for anything i needed.
i was cuddled, read to, and raised right.
i thought i would stay pure and happy forever.
i never 'wanted' a boy.
then i saw you in driver's ed.
you were gorgeous and wore a bad attitude.
i should have known you were bad for me.
but i bravely knocked on your door and entered into your life.
i thought, once again, my life was perfect.
but then things shifted.
after some investigating i found my world to be completely false and shattered.
i am not angry at you for what you did.
i am angry at you for what you enlightened me with.
you taught me that the world is cold and sick.
you showed me that i could be completely taken advantage of, and not in the good way.
i did not know what to do.
i had invested all my time, energy, future, and love into you.
it has taken me almost a year to realize i am a person.
without holding my beloved daddy's hand or yours...i can be a whole person.
i can contribute to society.
i can love again.
but you have taught me to love cautiously.
i just hope i find someone to love.
it is so hard for me.
i have someone in mind though...
but he is practically a stranger.
at least my heart has wings again.
my soul has a flutter of hope.
<3

Hatred

ever since the first time i watched 'the little drummer boy' clay-mation christmas movie when i was a kid, i have rarely used the word 'hate.'

what i mean is...the narrator in the little drummer says how the little drummer boy's parents died, and that caused the little drummer boy's heart to fill with hatred which made him hard inside. i remember thinking as a kid i would never let my heart be hateful, only loving because that was what God intended us to use our hearts for. from then on, if i 'hated' something, i used the word 'dislike.'

well, i have finally met my match - i hate something with all my heart because it is so painful and unnecessary. what is it? CHEATING! and not as in 'i hate people who cheat on tests,' but as in 'i hate people who cheat in relationships.' it's easy, just be a man, and break up with the person you are in a relationship with if you want someone/thing more. don't be selfish and greedy and think you can have both. you can't. i DISLIKE that my heart has a sliver of HATE in it now. but hard as i try to push it out, i can't. the hatred is like a splinter stuck deep in heart. i guess i will just have to live with it.

My butt is falling asleep

“ I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’ — ~ Kurt Vonnegut

This morning I am happy. I am tired, bleary eyed, and even have a swollen eye from lactose, but I am happy. I woke up early, went to the store to buy Almond Milk, had my Heart-to-Heart cereal, coffee, did a little necessary schoolwork, and am now looking forward to going to see HUBBLE at the imax with sissy today! Leonardo is the narrator, and it is going to be wonderfully interesting and educational! I love the cosmos.

This weekend is going to be wonderful, too. I have it off, and am going to spend it with my parents - back home on our farm. Hello goats, chickens, little Scout, and big Boo! :)

Oh! And I am not going to take today for granted! NO! I am grateful for life. Last night I braved a fear of looking ridiculous and silly, and plunged on through to be brave and make a statement. It went unnoticed, and unanswered, but I am happier and stronger for making it. Life is wonderful and short. I will not be held in bondage by limits. Everyday is a blessing, and if I want to do something I will do it. We are essentially all skeletons, so LIVE and LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

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I set it in my mind to be happy today, BUT if there were a boy I loved crawling through my window, I could be a little bit happier!

am i emo?

marry me, brandon boyd?

“I think perhaps Love thrives on chance and unlikely circumstance. Life also thrives on these principles-- and is life not love? AND LOVE NOT LIFE?”

I love your mind. I love your spirit. I love your music. I love your art.

Billy Billy Bonka and Shamama

I love mornings. They are so full of possibilities and freshness. I feel powerful and clean in the morning. This morning I am thinking about love, and how much I love love. Daddy and Momma gave me so much love as a kid, and still now, that I blossomed into a beautiful person. I love them so much. Daddy is always there egging me on in life to reach the high potentials he knows I possess. Momma is so motherly. She is always there trying to make sure I am okay and happy. I love them so so so much!!!!!!!They make feel stronger, knowing I am 1/2 Daddy and 1/2 Momma :)

update

hey sissy. sorry it's been so long since i have posted a blog.
i really love your to-do list with me!
well i just got done with a 29:35minute run.
it was refreshing.
i love you! only one month til our reunion!

Nature

I can not describe how much I love nature, but I will try. Nature to me means the unity of all living things. We, me and an oak tree and a horse and all have the same genetic code. A tree could 'read' my nucleic acid makeup because I have the same nucleic acids it has. (I learned all of this on Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" on Planet Green!)
So anyways, this unity of nature is so mindblowingly perplexing. We have such a rich diversity of life on EARTH. It is miraculous. How did we, this tiny little planet in an infinite universe of infinite galaxies create so much?! God, definitely. Because to me science is religion, and religion is science; not religion versus science. That is so short-sighted!

Back to the subject of my love for nature...to me just being outside is a pleasure. I find so much peace in sunlight and water and mountains and butterflies. Can you imagine how beautiful America was when the Indians roamed the land without claiming it and building on it. They lived in unity with nature. So glorious! (Of course, toilets are glorious, too.) Well two of my favorite movies are Into the Wild and I Heart Huckabees. You can see why...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65X60mN4ooE&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Hl5mAekm5A

Two years he walks the earth.
No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, 'cause "the West is the best." And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild.
— Alexander Supertramp
May 1992

Hallelujah!

Today I sat in my backyard in a tube top and shorts for 1 hour (2:30-3:30).
I didn't think I'd get burnt, but my chest and face are quite rosy. The sunlight felt like tangible energy entering my body and mingling around with my cells. It was so "light" and made my brain feel like it was floating in a happy euphoria. Oh, FLORIDA :)

to do list w/michelle this summer...

1. have fun
2. tan
3. swim
4. make a fort
5. play scrabble and other games
6. go to vortex springs w/ our wonderful parentals
7. visit home at the same time and make scout and boo know how much we love them
8. go on a walk with daddy and the dogs
9. make each other friendship bracelets
10. get matching tattoos, even if they are temporary ones
11. go to a casey vs. schepper show
12. get high on life
13. go to lots of free movies with sara and haley
14. go to a gills show
15. braid each others hair with flowers
16. paint each others nails wacky colors
17. go to cool dudes
18. run together in a 5k
19. make my room cooler
20. wear each others clothes
21. be the same weight
22. get that "twin look" from strangers
23. take lots of pictures
24. go to mellow mushroom pizza
25. watch sex and the city and wes anderson movies together
26. meet all my friends you haven't met (justin, evangeline, chayce, brent, etc)
27. dance all night in our room
28. lay out under the stars in berrydale/on the beach holding hands
29. have an 'eating' day
30. have an awesome/kickass 21st bday celebration
31. MORE TO COME

these days

i should do something productive everyday.
i should make at least one person a day realize their greatness.
i should realize my own greatness.
i am rambling about wishes AGAIN.
why don't i wish to stop wishing?

you know, i think i'm afraid to be happy.
it's vulnerable and can be lessened.
i need to confront my life and change it.
it's just that i've been losing so long.

life

is too hard

sweaty dream

ok so it is 4am. i just dreamed that haley had a band. i was going to see it. another band was there. i went swimming, this guy got in the water. i liked him. i wanted to leave mymatt. this guy almost wanted me. he said he had to go take a walk with God and reconsider letting 'someone' (me) into his life. caseyvsschepper was about to play a gig. i told mymatt i couldn't be with him anymore. mymatt looked like he was dying. he was like i can't believe it's true. he was so cute and so hurt. he went back to his band and they all glared at me and i could see them talking about it. i looked over at the other guy and realized he was never going to be mine. i looked over at mymatt and realized how much i loved and needed him. i went over to cvs and they said, we can't do this without you, and i said, good, i can't either. and then tried to justify my way out of lusting over someone else. i woke up sweaty and morally disturbed. such a coherent dream.

Boring Post about Food

My new diet consists of only bread and tea. This is because of the severe stomach issues I've been having lately. It all started on Sunday with two rounds of vomiting. Ever since then I've had crippling stomach pains. My stomach has sounded like a thunderstorm for days and it burns like lightning.
However, be the ever victim to E.D. that I am, throughout it all, I've managed to binge 2x. And that just made things worse. As if I'd expect anything different.
So last night I talked to Momma and she told me to just eat bread and tea.
Today M and I went to Publix where I purchased "Breakfast Bread" from their bakery, cinnamon spice bagels, blackberry nutrigrain bars, Grands biscuits to bake, honey vanilla chamomile tea, a sampler of teas, and honey.
The breakfast bread is soooo good. It's like power bread. It has all sorts of fruits and nuts in it, and it's really yummy. I had two hunks of it for lunch with some tea. I expect to have a nutrigrain bar for a snack, and then a bagel for supper.
I think Sara and Haley and I are about to go see a movie.

138.6

I am drowning trying to get over the past. It is so hard. I am always imagining him doing the worst possible thing he has done before. I was so innocent and believing. Love is good. That was not love.

When you're really sick-a sick-a sick of love
Leaving with their heart
To shape them within
Even if they stay to running
Hold 'em on the soul, believing
Till you wanna stick-a stick-a stick to love

Great post to create a better positive energy within. Just great.

145.8

I want to be better.
I want to get over my body and mind issues.
BUT all I ever want is to be as beautiful as Momma and Chelle.
I want to stop wanting to be beautiful. It is so vain and meaningless, yet I place so much importance on it. No matter how many strangers or friends tell me I am *insert complementary adjective,* I never internalize it or even believe it. Life is so much more than one's physical exterior. I think everyone I encounter is so beautiful in different ways. I can always find a quality about someone that is so attractive and nice. But I don't see it in me. At least not enough! Why am I such a needy monster?

Honestly, I just want to be a happy little girl.



I think my new blogging goal will be to write about important things in my life and keep my positive energy up, and my negative energy down.