Hallelujah!

Today I sat in my backyard in a tube top and shorts for 1 hour (2:30-3:30).
I didn't think I'd get burnt, but my chest and face are quite rosy. The sunlight felt like tangible energy entering my body and mingling around with my cells. It was so "light" and made my brain feel like it was floating in a happy euphoria. Oh, FLORIDA :)

to do list w/michelle this summer...

1. have fun
2. tan
3. swim
4. make a fort
5. play scrabble and other games
6. go to vortex springs w/ our wonderful parentals
7. visit home at the same time and make scout and boo know how much we love them
8. go on a walk with daddy and the dogs
9. make each other friendship bracelets
10. get matching tattoos, even if they are temporary ones
11. go to a casey vs. schepper show
12. get high on life
13. go to lots of free movies with sara and haley
14. go to a gills show
15. braid each others hair with flowers
16. paint each others nails wacky colors
17. go to cool dudes
18. run together in a 5k
19. make my room cooler
20. wear each others clothes
21. be the same weight
22. get that "twin look" from strangers
23. take lots of pictures
24. go to mellow mushroom pizza
25. watch sex and the city and wes anderson movies together
26. meet all my friends you haven't met (justin, evangeline, chayce, brent, etc)
27. dance all night in our room
28. lay out under the stars in berrydale/on the beach holding hands
29. have an 'eating' day
30. have an awesome/kickass 21st bday celebration
31. MORE TO COME

these days

i should do something productive everyday.
i should make at least one person a day realize their greatness.
i should realize my own greatness.
i am rambling about wishes AGAIN.
why don't i wish to stop wishing?

you know, i think i'm afraid to be happy.
it's vulnerable and can be lessened.
i need to confront my life and change it.
it's just that i've been losing so long.

life

is too hard

sweaty dream

ok so it is 4am. i just dreamed that haley had a band. i was going to see it. another band was there. i went swimming, this guy got in the water. i liked him. i wanted to leave mymatt. this guy almost wanted me. he said he had to go take a walk with God and reconsider letting 'someone' (me) into his life. caseyvsschepper was about to play a gig. i told mymatt i couldn't be with him anymore. mymatt looked like he was dying. he was like i can't believe it's true. he was so cute and so hurt. he went back to his band and they all glared at me and i could see them talking about it. i looked over at the other guy and realized he was never going to be mine. i looked over at mymatt and realized how much i loved and needed him. i went over to cvs and they said, we can't do this without you, and i said, good, i can't either. and then tried to justify my way out of lusting over someone else. i woke up sweaty and morally disturbed. such a coherent dream.

Boring Post about Food

My new diet consists of only bread and tea. This is because of the severe stomach issues I've been having lately. It all started on Sunday with two rounds of vomiting. Ever since then I've had crippling stomach pains. My stomach has sounded like a thunderstorm for days and it burns like lightning.
However, be the ever victim to E.D. that I am, throughout it all, I've managed to binge 2x. And that just made things worse. As if I'd expect anything different.
So last night I talked to Momma and she told me to just eat bread and tea.
Today M and I went to Publix where I purchased "Breakfast Bread" from their bakery, cinnamon spice bagels, blackberry nutrigrain bars, Grands biscuits to bake, honey vanilla chamomile tea, a sampler of teas, and honey.
The breakfast bread is soooo good. It's like power bread. It has all sorts of fruits and nuts in it, and it's really yummy. I had two hunks of it for lunch with some tea. I expect to have a nutrigrain bar for a snack, and then a bagel for supper.
I think Sara and Haley and I are about to go see a movie.

138.6

I am drowning trying to get over the past. It is so hard. I am always imagining him doing the worst possible thing he has done before. I was so innocent and believing. Love is good. That was not love.

When you're really sick-a sick-a sick of love
Leaving with their heart
To shape them within
Even if they stay to running
Hold 'em on the soul, believing
Till you wanna stick-a stick-a stick to love

Great post to create a better positive energy within. Just great.

145.8

I want to be better.
I want to get over my body and mind issues.
BUT all I ever want is to be as beautiful as Momma and Chelle.
I want to stop wanting to be beautiful. It is so vain and meaningless, yet I place so much importance on it. No matter how many strangers or friends tell me I am *insert complementary adjective,* I never internalize it or even believe it. Life is so much more than one's physical exterior. I think everyone I encounter is so beautiful in different ways. I can always find a quality about someone that is so attractive and nice. But I don't see it in me. At least not enough! Why am I such a needy monster?

Honestly, I just want to be a happy little girl.



I think my new blogging goal will be to write about important things in my life and keep my positive energy up, and my negative energy down.