past/present/future

i was the sweetest, most loving, naive little girl.
i thought the world was magical and full of sunshine and roses.
my parents were so loving and sacrificing.
i had a best friend twin sister!
i never wanted for anything i needed.
i was cuddled, read to, and raised right.
i thought i would stay pure and happy forever.
i never 'wanted' a boy.
then i saw you in driver's ed.
you were gorgeous and wore a bad attitude.
i should have known you were bad for me.
but i bravely knocked on your door and entered into your life.
i thought, once again, my life was perfect.
but then things shifted.
after some investigating i found my world to be completely false and shattered.
i am not angry at you for what you did.
i am angry at you for what you enlightened me with.
you taught me that the world is cold and sick.
you showed me that i could be completely taken advantage of, and not in the good way.
i did not know what to do.
i had invested all my time, energy, future, and love into you.
it has taken me almost a year to realize i am a person.
without holding my beloved daddy's hand or yours...i can be a whole person.
i can contribute to society.
i can love again.
but you have taught me to love cautiously.
i just hope i find someone to love.
it is so hard for me.
i have someone in mind though...
but he is practically a stranger.
at least my heart has wings again.
my soul has a flutter of hope.
<3

Hatred

ever since the first time i watched 'the little drummer boy' clay-mation christmas movie when i was a kid, i have rarely used the word 'hate.'

what i mean is...the narrator in the little drummer says how the little drummer boy's parents died, and that caused the little drummer boy's heart to fill with hatred which made him hard inside. i remember thinking as a kid i would never let my heart be hateful, only loving because that was what God intended us to use our hearts for. from then on, if i 'hated' something, i used the word 'dislike.'

well, i have finally met my match - i hate something with all my heart because it is so painful and unnecessary. what is it? CHEATING! and not as in 'i hate people who cheat on tests,' but as in 'i hate people who cheat in relationships.' it's easy, just be a man, and break up with the person you are in a relationship with if you want someone/thing more. don't be selfish and greedy and think you can have both. you can't. i DISLIKE that my heart has a sliver of HATE in it now. but hard as i try to push it out, i can't. the hatred is like a splinter stuck deep in heart. i guess i will just have to live with it.

My butt is falling asleep

“ I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’ — ~ Kurt Vonnegut

This morning I am happy. I am tired, bleary eyed, and even have a swollen eye from lactose, but I am happy. I woke up early, went to the store to buy Almond Milk, had my Heart-to-Heart cereal, coffee, did a little necessary schoolwork, and am now looking forward to going to see HUBBLE at the imax with sissy today! Leonardo is the narrator, and it is going to be wonderfully interesting and educational! I love the cosmos.

This weekend is going to be wonderful, too. I have it off, and am going to spend it with my parents - back home on our farm. Hello goats, chickens, little Scout, and big Boo! :)

Oh! And I am not going to take today for granted! NO! I am grateful for life. Last night I braved a fear of looking ridiculous and silly, and plunged on through to be brave and make a statement. It went unnoticed, and unanswered, but I am happier and stronger for making it. Life is wonderful and short. I will not be held in bondage by limits. Everyday is a blessing, and if I want to do something I will do it. We are essentially all skeletons, so LIVE and LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

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I set it in my mind to be happy today, BUT if there were a boy I loved crawling through my window, I could be a little bit happier!

am i emo?

marry me, brandon boyd?

“I think perhaps Love thrives on chance and unlikely circumstance. Life also thrives on these principles-- and is life not love? AND LOVE NOT LIFE?”

I love your mind. I love your spirit. I love your music. I love your art.

Billy Billy Bonka and Shamama

I love mornings. They are so full of possibilities and freshness. I feel powerful and clean in the morning. This morning I am thinking about love, and how much I love love. Daddy and Momma gave me so much love as a kid, and still now, that I blossomed into a beautiful person. I love them so much. Daddy is always there egging me on in life to reach the high potentials he knows I possess. Momma is so motherly. She is always there trying to make sure I am okay and happy. I love them so so so much!!!!!!!They make feel stronger, knowing I am 1/2 Daddy and 1/2 Momma :)

update

hey sissy. sorry it's been so long since i have posted a blog.
i really love your to-do list with me!
well i just got done with a 29:35minute run.
it was refreshing.
i love you! only one month til our reunion!